Sunday, July 17, 2011

Hitting Rock Bottom

So, I have decided, like most of my friends, to start a blog.  It seems to be VERY hip to do today.  I've been wanting to start a blog for a while now, but had nothing to blog about.  Most of my friends who are bloggers write about their adventures in dieting, being a vegan, running, etc.  I am FAR from all of those things.  My lifestyle involves little to no exercise, eating whatever I want (mostly in moderation), putting salt on most of my meals, and enjoying alcohol whenever possible.  OH - and on top of all that? My career consists of me sitting at a desk all day. WINNER! Not.

I have consciously been living this lifestyle for the past 4-5 years knowing deep down is it a horrible way to live, but just not caring.  Why? Because I AM LAZY.   I would start a diet, such as weight watchers, attend meetings for a month or so, lose weight, and then stop.  I stopped because I have no discipline, and my love for good food always conquered dieting.

Earlier tonight I was texting one of my friends who I text every Sunday during True Blood.  We were talking about SEXY Eric Northman.....HELLO ....schwing!
 Anyway - we were talking about sexy Eric Northman and I joked "If I had hotter, skinnier body - I'd totally go find myself a guy like him".   My friend agreed, and it brought up the topic of dieting.  She said she was on weight watchers and that if we lived closer, we could totally do it together.  I told her "nah, I've done it before and it works, but I'm just not ready to diet right now."  We left the conversation like that.

Well - before I hopped in the shower tonight I approached the scale.  Mr. Scale and I have not seen each other for a month and half now.  Mostly because my weight has stayed the same for the past year.  While it's not even CLOSE to an ideal weight, the fact that it wasn't fluctuating comforted me in some weird way.

NOT TONIGHT.   I stepped on, and I have gained 10 pounds!  10!!! I might as well pick up ten sticks of butter and slather it all over my chubby body. =(

I hopped in the shower and started crying - this was my rock bottom.  I washed my body and my hair  as fast I could because I couldn't wait to get out and go  cry to my mom about it.  I didn't even wait to dry off, I went in her room, soaking wet in a towel that can hardly cover my fat ass.  I told her to please help me, please.  I felt reliefed that I was making the first step to change.  But I also know I've gone down this road many times.  I've lost 10-15 lbs. and gained it all back.  But after talking to my mom, this is what's different about me dieting now than previous times....

1.  I am not in college anymore.  There's no good dieting at home and then going back to Rowan and pigging out/partying.  I live at home with my mom who always prepares good healthy meals.
2. I am capable of accomplishing goals.  Two of my New Year's resolutions this year were to get a new job, and a new car.  I've accomplished both!
3. I desperately want to find the love of my life, the man I'm going to marry, and I am aware I can not love someone else entirerely until I love myself.

1. I have lots more money now than I have had in the past - which means I go out to happy hour, dinners, lunches, snacks, etc. ALL THE TIME.  This stops now........for a while at least.  Until I've gotten control.
2.  I'M A LAZY MOFO.  It is hard to believe in high school I danced 5+ hours a week, 5 days a week.  No wonder I had a bangin' body back then!
3.  Horrible self discipline.  I will be the first to tell myself "I've earned a treat"
4.  LOVER of all carbs and sweets!

 Lastly......the title of this blog has TWO reasons.
1. I am Loser Lesley because I feel like a loser right now, I won't even post a "current" body pic right now because I am too ashamed.  Maybe in a month or so, when I have some confidence and results, I will post before/after pics
2. I am Loser Lesley because I plan on LOSING lots of weight!  It will be a more positive LOSER than listed above.

I promise all my posts won't be this long - this was my first - and I'm kinda emotional right now (thanks period), so I tend to ramble.

Tomorrow will be Loser Day #1.......the first loser day of many, on my way to some winner days someday!


Shelly said...

I still have those rock bottom moments. Blogging about this journey is so great though. Sometimes I feel no one wants to hear you anymore but it doesn't matter because you can write down whatever you want. Excellent choice. I love you and I'm proud of you and you are amazing!

Lesley said...

Thanks Shelly!!! Means a lot <33. It would have never occured to me to weigh myself until after our convo last night <3