Week 1 finished....

So I've been putting off writing a new blog until the next time I got weighed in at Weight Watchers.  Sadly - this will be a short post, because I am VERY upset tonight and VERY discouraged.

I am allowed to eat 36 points of food a day based on my weight, age and other crap.  Since Tuesday of last week I stayed with my points (which meant basically cutting my calories down) with the exception of dipping into my flex points (which they encourage you to do).  I like to save my flex points for the weekends in case I want some alcohol or I dine out.

This past weekend I went to my brother's house like I usually do.  It was going to be a big test because his wife Kelly and I love to pig out together.  Only difference is she is a skinny tan blonde and I am a fat pale blonde.  :)

On the drive down Friday night I was STARVING since I left straight from work.  I knew they had already gone out for dinner so they're wouldn't be anything to eat when I got there. I stopped at Mamma Mia in EHT for a house salad with oil and balsamic vinegar (my go to food lately).  It was extra yummy because they're were roasted red peppers in it, and other yummy stuff that's not usually in my house salads lately. 
OH, and OF COURSE it came with a yummy long italian bread loaf.  I ate my salad when I got to my brother's house and the bread and I had a stare down.  I thought maybe just oneeee piece, but then I would want butter with it and that's a whole other fiasco.  I didn't want to waste food, but I had no choice.  I gave a piece to both my nieces and threw out the rest.  Sigh.....poor bread.

I was raised being told to clean my plate, eat everything on it.  My Dad enforced that rule every night at dinner.  My mom wastes NOTHING.  If there is leftover food, she'll throw it all together into some yummy  soup or casserole.  If the food is stale, she'll feed it to the birds and squirrels outside...really.  So that is why throwing out good food feels so weird for me, but if I don't do it, I WILL eat it.

Saturday my family and I went to AC to go on the beach.  CRAZY hot day.  I don't go in  the water either so I was super duper hot.  I packed seltzer water and that was all I could do to cool down, I was determined to get some color.  I lathered Jwoww bronzer on my legs and sweated it out.
Afterwards we went to Tony's Baltimore Grill in AC (looks crappy, but it's AWESOME).  I ordered a salad to fill up on first.  Of course bread was brought and placed right in front of me at the table, which was also in the middle for everyone's reach so I didn't move it.  Also - Kelly ordered fries for my nieces and for everyone to pick on.   BREAD AND FRIES  = my broken carb heart :(
I didn't eat either, was SO proud.

Without going into too many details the rest of the weekend went like that.  Sunday I let myself have a kiddy cup size of Kohr Brother's vanilla soft serve on the OC Boardwalk, and a handful of Johnson's popcorn.  I refuse to deny myself of those famous boardwalk treats.  They are MUCH smaller portions than what I would usually enjoy.

Fast forward to today, weigh in day. Ok so Tuesday's at 7p are actually my weigh in day, but tomorrow I will be at the 311 concert so I popped in Weight Watchers tonight to be weighed a day early.

Facing the WW scale for the first time is like going on a first date.  You are nervous and have butterflies on the ride over, hoping that your date (the scale) doesn't judge you too much and likes you after all despite what you REALLY look like. =]

When I walked in, the lady I like wasn't working, it was some bitchy WW class leader.  I stepped up to the scale and she asked me if I wanted to take my sweater off.  UM it was a thin cardigan.....wasn't going to make me weigh less, what was she trying to imply?
As soon as I stepped on, she recorded my weight, not saying a word......

In the past on Weight Watchers, I've lost 3-7 lbs. the first week.  A lot of water weight and also the drastic change in diet.  I always got a "way to go!" or some other encouraging advice from the leader.  This bitch said nothing, and just said "thank you" after I paid my 14 dollar weekly fee.

I left - didn't want to stay for a meeting.  I didn't like her, I like my leader Mary Lou on Tuesdays.  I waited til I was outside to look at what my pamphlet said. 

I LOST .4 lbs    ------   ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Not four pounds.....POINT four pounds.   I probably gained that .4 back from eating dinner when I got home.

You can all imagine how discouraged I feel right now. I cried a lot tonight.  Hard work of cutting calories and exercising (unfortunately only 2 days) last week and I've got nothing to show for it. 

Sorry for no funny comments or pictures tonight people - it was hard enough to type this, but I gotta stay on this blog just like I gotta stay on Weight Watchers.

Feeling verryyyy "LOSER Lesley" like tonight

For Mature Audiences Only! =)

THE FOLLOWING BLOG CONTAINS HUMILIATING CONTENT AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR SOME READERS.

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED....

 

Alright - so it's out there! And I DON'T want it to be =(   I look like Jabba The Huts long lost daughter.

But, I need to do this so that I know others are judging me and now have expectations of me.  All I ask is that if you are a reader of my blog, keep this to yourself, for it is humiliating.  I could have worn pants or a t-shirt, but it wouldn't have shown the harsh reality as much.  So I just ask, as a friend to keep this to yourself, and not to share with anyone else that I am half naked on here, to point and laugh at.  I know none of my friends would do that, but still, it's a insecurity.

For breakfast today I ate half of a pumpernickle bagel (more like PUKErnickel) with some whipped cream cheese.

Today at work I drank ONLY water, which isn't unusual for me.  I drink lots of water throughout the day to begin with.  Between my bottles of seltzer and being near a water cooler, my bladder is always happy.  I ate a morning snack of light strawberry yogurt and fresh blueberries I plopped in.  

Lunch consisted of 7 baby carrots, smart food popcorn, turkey and cheese sandwich on potatoe bread, and mini all natural fruit snacks.  My mom packs my lunches for me :)  So since this diet popped up last night, she made do with what we had in the house to make my stomach and diet happy.

After work I drove by Weight Watchers to see the hours of the next class I could catch and join up on.  The location I use to go to had moved =(  Fortunately, they moved only 2 blocks away so I was able to find it and and see that tomorrow, on Tuesday there is a 7p meeting I can catch after work.

By the time I got home I was STARVING!  I wanted to crack open a beer so badly but I didn't.  Mom had gone shopping and tried her best to prepare a healthy and filling dinner for me.

Mom's dinner consisted of pork (seasoned with a table mix), zucchini and tomatoes with green beans fresh from my aunt's garden, and a potato.  Yes, I am aware MANY of you will say I could have gone without the potato, but you have to understand I AM IRISH.  Potatoes are like crack for me.  Also, instead of margarine and sour cream many you of might be thinking "she should have put the veggies on top of the potato for flavor instead of margarine and sour cream".  Yea....I know that too.  But that would RUIN my potato.  I'm an Irish gal who was raised on potatoes with sour cream.  The difference now between other times is that I put NO salt on any of the items on this plate (I'm a salt fiend), and I didn't use REAL butter on my potato, and less sour cream than usual.

Mom is going to chop up the last pork piece leftover and put it with the mixed veggies tomorrow for me for lunch at work.  YES! Something that is not lunch meat sandwich! woohoo! (I shouldn't complain though - she packs my lunches and that a lot more than what most 23 year old's mothers do)

 After dinner, I knew I needed to walk.  My goal was just one mile. Lame I know, BUT it beats sitting on a couch.  I drove down to my high school's track, hoping I'd be alone so no one would see me struggle.  As I pulled up to park, the band camp people were practicing on the field.......yay.  I was about to turn around and drive home, but I saw other people walking around the track and thought to myself "this was MY high school first....so I can do whatever I please!"

I was NOT going to be intimidated by the D-lister cast of "American Pie".  I was going to walk regardless.  My high school's track is......one mile = four laps. I planned on walking 3 of the laps, and running for the 4th.  Well now running seemed out of the question with all these people around.  So I stuck to walking.  I didn't bring any music to listen to because it's too much of a distraction.  I spend half the time choosing a good song to walk to, or fixing the earplugs to fit in my tiny ears. =/ 

Just when I decided I'd giving jogging a go, here comes a 17 year perfect body blonde runner who came to run with her dad.  Watching her run....was impeccable, her french braid stayed in one place, her body was still in the right places, and her legs looked amazing when she ran.  She looked like a blonde gazelle galloping through the track,  

I couldn't help but hear this song playing in my head while gazelle girl ran ahead of me.....

And then here was my theme song when I gave the jogging a  shot....

Hopefully that made you laugh as much as it made me laugh! =)

After my one mile walk and pathetic attempt at jogging, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up some healthy goodies - NONE of which were on sale.  I will share tomorrow what I bought, for now. I think I've written enough!

LATER LOSERS ;)

Lesley xoxo

Just throwin' it out there....

This morning I woke up thinking clearer after my "melt down" last night.  I had a few "hmmmm" thoughts and a few "a-ha" thoughts.

1. I wasn't going to post a "before" pic of me on here simply because of how embarassed I am about my body.  But then, this morning I thought to myself that the only people who are going to be following this blog right now are people I sent a link to because I trust them.  These are friends who love me for me, and won't be too harsh to judge.  Also, by posting a pic of me online, it is daily motivation to look at how discusting I look, and knowing that other people will have seen my pic, I feel I owe it to them to change.

2. I am SO picky about men.  Looks DO matter.  And I will be honest and be the first one out there to say I don't to date an overweight guy. So whyyyy would a guy want to date me, an overweight girl?  That's being kind of a hypocrite.  Besides, even if there was some ripped, good looking guy out there who for some reason ever wanted to be with me, I would forever feel uncomfortable being bigger than him and going out knowing people are thinking "Is he really with her?"

3. I am TOO pretty for this body, and TOO young for this body!  This body I have right now doesn't belong to me, it's not mine.  I feel like a girl with pretty hair and a pretty face stuck inside a fat suit.  For the past couple of years I've chalked up my confidence to the fact that I've got a pretty face (yes, I can actually admit that) and an awesome personality. But I deserve to be the whole package, not just some.  I want to be 100% awesome, all over.

4.  My mom pointed out a good reason why I never want to work out, or go walking.  I said it's because I work 8-6 everyday and usually stay a little late after work - therefor not getting home until 6:30-7.  When I come home, I like to have dinner and crash on the couch.  This is after sitting in an office desk all day.  WOW - am I active or WHAT?!
Anyways - my mom asked me how over weight am I.  I told her, since my senior year of high school I have put on 100 lbs.  She pointed out to me that the big tubs of cat sand we get every week are 35 lbs. each.  She told me 2 of those are 70.  If anyone has a cat and has ever bought the BIG container of cat sand, you know how friggin' heavy these bad boys are.  Mom told me to picture hold 2 of those at once.  That's 70 lbs....not even 100.  Physically holding two of those is weight I have gained over the past years, and then some! GROSS.  When it was put into a visual like that, I immediately understood why I have trouble working out.  It's like carrying big containers of cat sand with me everywhere! No wonder I can't move!

Jessica Simpson is still my idol, and one day....yes, one day I will look like this!

Heck, I think Jessica Simpson herself wants to look like this! (again)

Stay tuned for my post tonight, when I will post my "before" pic of my body that I took this morning.  If people didn't know me they might say "awww....she's expecting!".  It seriously looks like a pic an expecting mother takes in the mirror.  Oh boy, can't wait to see some change!

Also tonight - with my blob pic I will post what I ate today.  It was hard because mom packed a lunch for me based on what we already have in the house.  Haven't gone "diet" shopping yet. 

After work I am going to go check out the Weight Watchers center I use to go to - hopefully it is still there!

Later losers! ;)

Hitting Rock Bottom

So, I have decided, like most of my friends, to start a blog.  It seems to be VERY hip to do today.  I've been wanting to start a blog for a while now, but had nothing to blog about.  Most of my friends who are bloggers write about their adventures in dieting, being a vegan, running, etc.  I am FAR from all of those things.  My lifestyle involves little to no exercise, eating whatever I want (mostly in moderation), putting salt on most of my meals, and enjoying alcohol whenever possible.  OH - and on top of all that? My career consists of me sitting at a desk all day. WINNER! Not.

I have consciously been living this lifestyle for the past 4-5 years knowing deep down is it a horrible way to live, but just not caring.  Why? Because I AM LAZY.   I would start a diet, such as weight watchers, attend meetings for a month or so, lose weight, and then stop.  I stopped because I have no discipline, and my love for good food always conquered dieting.

Earlier tonight I was texting one of my friends who I text every Sunday during True Blood.  We were talking about SEXY Eric Northman.....HELLO ....schwing!

 Anyway - we were talking about sexy Eric Northman and I joked "If I had hotter, skinnier body - I'd totally go find myself a guy like him".   My friend agreed, and it brought up the topic of dieting.  She said she was on weight watchers and that if we lived closer, we could totally do it together.  I told her "nah, I've done it before and it works, but I'm just not ready to diet right now."  We left the conversation like that.

Well - before I hopped in the shower tonight I approached the scale.  Mr. Scale and I have not seen each other for a month and half now.  Mostly because my weight has stayed the same for the past year.  While it's not even CLOSE to an ideal weight, the fact that it wasn't fluctuating comforted me in some weird way.

NOT TONIGHT.   I stepped on, and I have gained 10 pounds!  10!!! I might as well pick up ten sticks of butter and slather it all over my chubby body. =(

I hopped in the shower and started crying - this was my rock bottom.  I washed my body and my hair  as fast I could because I couldn't wait to get out and go  cry to my mom about it.  I didn't even wait to dry off, I went in her room, soaking wet in a towel that can hardly cover my fat ass.  I told her to please help me, please.  I felt reliefed that I was making the first step to change.  But I also know I've gone down this road many times.  I've lost 10-15 lbs. and gained it all back.  But after talking to my mom, this is what's different about me dieting now than previous times....

PROS

1.  I am not in college anymore.  There's no good dieting at home and then going back to Rowan and pigging out/partying.  I live at home with my mom who always prepares good healthy meals.

2. I am capable of accomplishing goals.  Two of my New Year's resolutions this year were to get a new job, and a new car.  I've accomplished both!

3. I desperately want to find the love of my life, the man I'm going to marry, and I am aware I can not love someone else entirerely until I love myself.

CONS

1. I have lots more money now than I have had in the past - which means I go out to happy hour, dinners, lunches, snacks, etc. ALL THE TIME.  This stops now........for a while at least.  Until I've gotten control.

2.  I'M A LAZY MOFO.  It is hard to believe in high school I danced 5+ hours a week, 5 days a week.  No wonder I had a bangin' body back then!

3.  Horrible self discipline.  I will be the first to tell myself "I've earned a treat"

4.  LOVER of all carbs and sweets!

 Lastly......the title of this blog has TWO reasons.

1. I am Loser Lesley because I feel like a loser right now, I won't even post a "current" body pic right now because I am too ashamed.  Maybe in a month or so, when I have some confidence and results, I will post before/after pics

2. I am Loser Lesley because I plan on LOSING lots of weight!  It will be a more positive LOSER than listed above.

I promise all my posts won't be this long - this was my first - and I'm kinda emotional right now (thanks period), so I tend to ramble.

Tomorrow will be Loser Day #1.......the first loser day of many, on my way to some winner days someday!